On The Same Paige

Maybe my biggest lesson learnt in 2024 was this; while you may be at fault for the way someone feels, you cannot control how they deal with that feeling.

As somebody with OCD, who has an obsessive guilt complex, this realisation was a massive relief to me. Knowing that I don’t have to feel responsible for every choice other people around me make was a weight off my shoulders. Now, this is not me saying that you shouldn’t apologise for hurting somebody, you absolutely should, but people like me who take it to the extreme, losing sleep, having panic attacks, and destroying my own life just because I hurt somebody’s feelings, may need to hear this. My mind makes it out as much more than it is, I didn’t just hurt their feelings, I ruined their life, I’m a horrible person who doesn’t deserve nice things and all I want to do is fix it but I can’t.That is how my brain works.

At the end of the day, the way somebody reacts or feels towards something is up to them. Usually it is determined by not just the situation but the person, their previous experiences, their upbrining, their values and beliefs, and so on. So, how someone choses to deal with something has very little to do with you and a whole lot to do with a lifetime’s worth of experiences that you can’t really change.

Now, this is a double edged sword because it also means that you are responsible for your own feelings and reactions as well, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. You have the power to decide how anything effects you and you also have the power to change. If somebody yells at me and I automatically yell back then that is on me, I could decide instead to walk away, to talk calmly in response, and plenty of other options. The fact that I yell might be because that’s a normalised response for me from years of experiences but I don’t have to respond that way, I can take the time to learn how to react more calmly but the key part is that only I can do that. No one else can do it for me. Which, brings us back to the fact that it is my responsibility.

Maybe this is something obvious to other people, but I don’t think it is. I meet people who, like me, either take on too much responsibility or people who are all too willing to pass the responsibility onto others meaning that nothing ever changes. This is the middle ground, knowing that only you can control yourself, and that that is all you can control.